I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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