I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
