I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
