My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
