Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
