Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
