never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
