mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
