after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
