OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
