Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
