i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize