pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
