And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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