She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
