When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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