come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
