Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
