Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am naked and annoyed.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
