There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
