btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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