what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
