I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Never let your siblings swipe right.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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