mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
As shirtless as possible
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
