had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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