I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
