Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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