You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
