I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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