Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
