I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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