Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We have started to decorate penises.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
