you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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