The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
