she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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