I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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