I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
