Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
