she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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