I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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