when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
