I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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