just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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