He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
