Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
