M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
