I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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