there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
