his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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