if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Girls should come with a carfax report
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
