You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
