dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
