your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
