just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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