and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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