My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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