I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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