Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
