The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
