If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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