they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
