Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
